Praying is Hard

So, I want to learn how to pray to “God,” or in the Vaishnava tradition, who/what is known as/called “Krishna.”
And not in a mercenary way. I don’t want to pray to the Source of all sources, Cause of all causes, Reality the Beautiful, & the Sweet Absolute to GIVE me something. What more could I possibly need than to just have a connection with the very origin of existence & love itself!
No, I’m not trying to pray because I want or need anything, but rather because I’m trying to reach out and (re)establish a link with that eternal, infinite, benevolent root energy that is the precursor to material energy.
I don’t know how to address this quintessential concept that is so far beyond my realm of humanly comprehension. How does one pray to that which we are all an integral part of, that which we all come from & return to, that primordial force that animates us & enables us to perceive our subjective experiences of reality simultaneously.
People talk about praying to God a lot, but to attempt to conceive of what true omnipotence is, to imagine God as Consciousness WILLING material energy to temporarily manifest from the precursor energy in various forms, one tiny speck (this universe, my body as a part of it) of which I am existing within for a tiny speck of time (28-? years as Jax Bayne)… well, it’s so far beyond anything we can even write about… the PRECURSOR to sentience… the sentience quotient doesn’t even apply!
Words break down when you try to conceive of things that are possible within this universe, what to speak of other universes, or that which the universes came from! I understand part of the reason for the human-like form of God is to help overcome this brain-blowing awe-filled paralysis & can have a more personal relationship with said Concept (as mentioned above) but still! I find it incredibly difficult to separate the conception of God from what true omnipotence is, so it makes it really hard for me to try to pray.
What do you say to that which made all as it is, that which knows how everything will go because it wills it so, when things feel so predetermined, how can I formulate any prayer at all, especially when anything I DO want, I know I’m not taking the steps toward attaining in the first place. If I want a connection with Krishna, why am I not praying for that connection? If I have no other prayer, perhaps I should pray for my free will to be interfered with, because obviously, I’m the only thing standing in my way.
What is my prayer? Help me learn to accept the help that is always being offered? Help me to have less of an aversion to doing the things that will get me to where I want to be? I don’t even want to pray for help. It’s not that I lack motivation, because I do want to do these things, so I don’t get it. Why? How about that for a prayer… Please help me to discover why I keep avoiding what I want to do in the first place? Then maybe that’ll help me figure out how to change that behavior if I know why I keep engaging in it? Idk this all seems external to me still somehow…
So, yeah, long story short: when you feel like you should pray though you don’t necessarily feel like you want to & kinda don’t wanna do what you’re told/advised, and don’t even really want or need anything… what kinda prayer do you even make? o.O

Published by Jax Bayne

Autistic artist, writer, consultant, researcher, analyst, and systems engineer. Occasional axe thrower, model, cosplayer, gamer, & streamer. Latinx ace/demiflux masc enby. SpIns: #autism #bhaktiyoga #comics #fantasy #games #horror #linguistics #moths #neuropsychology #scifi

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