So y’all know I have a tendency of being *ahem* somewhat verbose, but I’ll do my utmost best to be AS concise AS possible in this update. But, seriously, there’s a LOT of recent updates, so if you wanna know what’s going on with me, just know you’ll need to be prepared for the long haul haha ❤
- I just finished my first Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Module this week. It was relatively informative & helpful, but I’ll need more actual practical examples & role play scenarios for it to really stick, I think. I’ll be starting the next module in the Fall, because I will be all over the place in Summer.
- My new psychiatrist is still adjusting my meds, which, I’m not gonna lie here, is quite hellish. I’m all over the map emotionally. The good news is that I’m feeling a little less depressed/despondent. The bad news is that I’m hypo/manic af, which ranges between totally irresponsible/unreliable & risky/impulsive behaviors to irascibility/irritability nearing explosive rage again, & this constant restlessness/pressure to do ALL THE THINGS at all times!!
The main problem w/ having the all of this pent up creative/productive motivation & energy wanting to come out, however, is that if it’s untempered by proper medication & clinical therapy, I’ll crash and burn again, and probably sink back into that debilitating state of depression & despondency, that keeps me in bed doing nothing for days to weeks, to months to years, so I’m doing my utmost best to monitor everything & keep my thoughts, energy, & moods in check.
- I’ve been super inconsistent w/ my diet & exercise, but as I said, I’ve been inconsistent w/ EVERYTHING & still either under or over sleeping/eating, which will just make me so tired that I end up not wanting to do anything at all, so I’ll just take the easiest path, which is often the least healthy option. It’s a work in progress, though, just like everything else, so I’m trying to not let this blip get me too discouraged & just keep on keepin’ on as best I can.
- I have a TON of appointments to schedule/keep & calls to make that are super important when it comes to continuing to receive benefits & healthcare. I really need to find out if I can get dental/vision covered here because I just lost my last pair of glasses, which I need to drive, soooo yeah…. I’m being super avoidant about making the calls & appts, so this has been exceedingly challenging & I’m doing my best to try to reach out to friends & support networks to help me in getting these things done. Slow going, but again, WIP…
- Still poor af, but at least my folks are letting me stay w/ them free of charge, as difficult as it may be to try to have a life at almost 30 & still be under your parents’ thumb since they have a totally different lifestyle & schedule, thus waking them up when I get home late is really troublesome as they work so early. I at least have all of my medical services covered though, so therapy, meds, GP/PCP appts, etc. is all free, & I get a couple hundred bucks per month for food & general aid like gas, toiletries, etc, but tbh it barely covers anything & with my most recent manic spending spree, I’ve been broke this entire month, continuing to dip into negatives in my checking accounts. Hopefully the worst of this manic impulsive spending spree is over, though. I usually don’t even buy anything other than comics & gas really haha.
- My SSI appeal & SSDI application are STILL processing, but this isn’t abnormal. Until I can get federal aid, however, I can’t move out on my own again, since all the housing around here is either way too expensive or lacking in privacy, which is a huge deal for my sanity/mental health. I’m a very, VERY reclusive & introverted person who needs a LOT of alone time & even having one close person like a family member in the house coughing from time to time puts me on edge, reminding me I’m not alone. I have great support though this time when it comes to my applications such as social workers, case workers, providers, etc. backing me up & fighting for me because they believe I really do need this help, and while it can be embarrassing to say, yeah, I’m intelligent, articulate, talented, young, etc., I’m also disabled, though you probably wouldn’t be able to know that when looking at me or talking to me. It took almost 15 years of floundering & screwing up my life as well as that of others in many painful ways, dropping out of more than 5 diff colleges, not lasting in a job or relationship for even 2 years, being in & out of states of depression where I was basically agoraphobic & socially anxious to the point where I couldn’t leave the house or socialize at all practically for YEARS. I wasted YEARS of my life, and now at 29, I’m having to humble myself and admit that I need help. Real help. Significant help. Long term help.
I still have hopes & dreams & goals like any other human when it comes to this life, but I have to finally admit that I don’t think it’s possible for me to achieve them on my own. I need extra support, patience, time, resources, etc. in order to even take a baby step when everyone else is lapping me on the track without anything other than their own skills and abilities. It can make me feel defective, inferior, & worthless, but then I have to remind myself that I can do things others can’t and can offer the world stuff others wouldn’t be able to, I just need to do things in my own way, as time consuming, draining, and exhausting as it may be. I don’t wanna give up though. Not anymore. I have hope now. Even if all this time has passed and I have not very much to show for it, I have hope that with the right support, maybe I could achieve some dreams & do some real, amazing work that might even be able to help affect some lasting change in the world, Inshallah ❤
- I finally registered for courses at the local community college in the Fall. I didn’t feel ready to just jump right in for Summer quarter, plus there’s a lot I’m doing these next two months, which is why everything’s gonna be just getting things prepared for Fall. I’ll be taking a basic Math course to get my fundamentals solidified as I really wanna do it right this time if I want to go down the science track. I don’t wanna be overwhelmed & drop out again, so I’ve got the college’s disability/accessibility resource center behind me which will help with class & work accommodations & extra tutoring & all that jazz. Let’s hope the… 6th? 7th? time’s the charm? lol I’m trying to do everything right this time & really learn as much as I can about the college, the campus, the clubs, the resources, etc. as far in advance as possible so it’ll be minimal stress & maximum support right from the get go. I also enrolled in a college success course & a yoga course to try to get me some accountability with just being active, regular, & healthy.
- I still wanna go down the Cognitive Science/Neuroscience/Psycholinguistics track, which means that ideally, if I can get these basics gen eds covered within the next few years & somehow figure out how to financially make it viable, I’d still really love to attend the University of Edinburgh since they’re world renowned for cutting edge research in all to do with psychology, even parapsychology. There’s a part of me that’s still hoping I could reclaim my Spanish citizenship & that Scotland/Britain stays within the EU program so I could get EU citizen benefits instead of being an American abroad. That’d be the dream, but I’d also love to study abroad/live somewhere in either India or a Spanish speaking country if they had a good school for Cognitive Neurolinguistic research… it’s just a, uh, hyper specialized field.
- After moving to Bellingham, I was at first just concerned w/ getting my health back on track, but I started getting lonely/feeling like I needed to make some friends & connections that weren’t just medical health professionals, so I looked into some local FB groups & downtown locations & have really lucked out! I found a really great local comic shop that I opened a pull list with, which meant I sadly had to close my hold box at Black Cat in SLC, but hey, I gotta support local, right? This comic shop does a lot of events & has a local comic creators meet up group, which has reignited the metaphorical fire under my butt to crank out my long-time WIP comics. It’s a ton of work learning how to translate writing short story/novel format into comics for me, but I’m figuring it out w/ some amazing help coming from many different avenues. I’m grateful for all the help, support, & friendship, guys! Means a ton. There’s even a local comic con here that I’ll be attending this October & I’m planning to go to Emerald City Comic Con for the first time for my 30th birthday present in March 2020. Goal is to at least have one comic finished by then. We shall see. Hopefully I’ll be able to whip up some new cosplays for them, too!
- In addition to there being an awesome comic, cosplay, gaming, & general nerdy/geeky community here in B-Ham that I’m slowly starting to connect with, there’re also great photography, filmmaking, & horror communities! With the nature, social services, family, chill hippie vibe, and everything else, it’s like I couldn’t have found a better place to move to! How fortuitous! Maybe even serendipitous 😉 There’s this exciting horror filmmaking festival here called Bleedingham & I was invited to participate this year, so we’ll see how that unfolds/manifests! I’ve always wanted to get involved in film somehow, being such a ridiculously intense cinephile, so maybe this will be that in!
I also have been making connections with some local photographers & am super excited to have scheduled my first photoshoot in a looooong time for this weekend that’ll be horror/androg themed w/ a photographer I met in one of the FB groups! We met up for coffee & I can confirm, he’s a super awesome person as well as photographer. He dabbles in filmmaking as well & all in all, our aesthetic/stylist preferences really seem to jive, so let’s hope we work together well, too, not just get on personally ;P
- I’ve also been gaming a wee bit again, though I have no consoles nor PC, so I’m playing old school point & click RPGs that my Crapbook can barely run, so I can’t even stream them, but I’ve been thinking to start doing some social streams to keep people apprised on what I’ve been up to & what my goals are for the near future. I never really got into vlogging or social streaming before, but I realized that I have a YT channel that just sits there & I can go live on various other platforms to just chat w/ everyone & let y’all know what I’m doing when I’m too tired to make full blown update posts like this. Plus the interactivity is nice. Fun chatting w/ everyone & if I had some more stability, time, energy, & regularity in my life, I really would try to catch you all when you go live more often, too. I follow so many creators, though, that it’s so hard to keep on top of what everyone’s doing & when. I see the notifications, & do my best to support in the tiniest of ways I feel able to, but please just know that I still love & support you all so much. One day, hopefully I’ll be back in the online social networking scenes with a bit more regularity again.
- For those of you who don’t know, one of the biggest & most exciting events coming up for me this summer is that I’ll be attending a Bhakti Yoga Retreat in Santa Cruz, CA, at the very Ashram I first met the devotees of the worldwide mission & spiritual tradition I was initiated into about 8 years ago now. It was at this very temple that I received formal initiation into this ancient disciplic succession that can be traced back to the beginnings of human civilization & beyond in both a spiritual and scientific way. I became a disciple of my guru 1/1/11 after only having been hanging with the devotees for a few months, but it just felt right. I finally felt home for the first time in my life & like I’d finally met my real family who really understood & cared for me on this deeper level than I could even fathom. I’ve never been one for organized anything, religion, God, groups or communities, etc. but here I am, 8+ years later, still a member of this community & finally getting to return to my spiritual birthplace to reunite w/ my spiritual family members again after so long. I wanted to go last year to the first Govinda Mela Retreat, but wasn’t able to due to health & funds, so this year, at the behest of a friend, I made a GoFundMe, not expecting anything to come from it, but lo and behold, only 2 days after I created the fundraiser, I’d reached my goal & was able to buy my ticket to actually be able to attend this year’s festival.
I’m still incredulous & infinitely grateful for the love & support you all have shown me when it comes to my meagre attempts at trying to progress in my spiritual practices & personal internal growth. The journey is a long & winding one, but it’s one I refuse to ever quit now that I’ve actually set my foot firmly on the path. I know it’s the right one for me. I feel it in my bones & even if I feel like I’m constantly failing at what it means to be a good practitioner, a good devotee, a good disciple to my spiritual master, I am told that this is just all part of the path & to take it all in stride. This is all part of the journey itself, so I always have to remind myself that it’s not like I’m going anywhere linearly or externally. It’s always just about going deeper into myself and continuing to face all of that crud that’s covering the mirror of my heart so that I can wipe it away & allow myself to reflect real unconditional love & light into this world instead of a perverted, warped, and filtered version of my own mental conception of it. I am truly hopeful that I may be able to participate in the festivities & activities with strength, vigor, and enthusiasm because it will mean the world to me if I’m able to at least show some real dedication to this path when I’m there in the service & association of these incredible & incomparably affectionate & beneficent personalities. Thank you so much again, everyone!
- And finally, after coming back from Sri Govinda Mela in Santa Cruz, I’ll need a little downtime/recuperation time before getting back into the car & driving 14+ hours again back to Utah to get the rest of my stuff. Since it’s such a long & draining drive for me, I’m gonna plan to stay a couple of weeks to sort through all of my stuff, maybe consign some things, sell some stuff (ha, as if I have anything of value), and it would be super duper awesome if I have the time & energy to even schedule some hang outs & artistic collaborations w/ all the lovely connections & friends I still have in SLC.
This is basically everything that I can think of right now, but let me know if you have any questions or if there’s anything you think I might’ve left out. God bless you if you actually read all of this because I know it’s a freaking essay haha. And yes, this was literally me trying to be concise. Imagine how long this would have ended up if I’d let my verbosity get the better of me.
Once again, thank you ALL for everything you’ve done, even if it’s just been following me/staying friends with me throughout all of the bouts of oscillating manic insanity & depressed radio silence as I simply attempt to merely survive living. Your continued presence throughout these years has been immensely appreciated as the lonely goth kid who everyone shunned, abused, & abandoned repeatedly in me still wonders in awe why you do it. The weird child I was inside, trying so desperately to fit in for so long, only to just say screw it, I’ll intentionally reject society, keeping me just as lonely, but at least able to feel a bit more authentic, never in a million years would have thought it possible that there would be people from around the globe wanting to actively keep tabs on my life & work and that alone makes the fight to keep surviving this self-destructive, torturous mind & body worth it. I love you ALL so much. Seriously. I don’t say this lightly. Love is a very very sacred thing to me, but I truly do love each & every single one of you. You make life worth living, you give me hope, you inspire me, and you make me feel less lonely ❤
I know I don’t have much to give in the way of friendship or emotional support on a deeper interpersonal level because I’m already so drained trying to simply support myself, but if you ever feel seriously distraught emotionally, if you ever feel like you can’t go on, like you can’t possibly share what you’re going through because no one would believe you, understand, relate, or maybe even would just judge & ridicule you for it, I AM HERE FOR YOU. PLEASE reach out to me. I always run very low on spoons, but for one who is greatly suffering, I will do my best to scramble to find as many spoons as possible, even if they’re plastic, disposable, dirty, broken, or whatever. I’ll do whatever I can to be there to support you in that moment because I know just how horrendously difficult living in this plane of existence can be & I care more than anything else about being someone who people understand is here first and foremost to try to help make their life & the place they live in better, even if it’s just with one short convo at a time. I’m here. I’m trying. I’m doing what I can. And because of you all, I’ll never stop trying. Thank you thank you thank you ad infinitum.
Hare Krishna! Jay Gurudev!
I am always, eternally, & humbly your affectionate well-wisher ❤